anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
