I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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