her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
