You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
