Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
