can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize