$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
FUCK WHALES
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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