There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
