I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
