Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
