I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
