U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize