Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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