So drunk its hurt
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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