the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just puked most of my soul out..
its liver damage thursday
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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