I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
