Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
