The best revenge is premature balding
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize