The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
