do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
