What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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