why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
