god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
