she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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