Duck Duck Cougar?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
