I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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