Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
