Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
