I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize