I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
