Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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