I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she smelled like a LAN party
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
there is glitter all over my balls
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
