thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
