I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
