I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
