Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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