i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize