i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
