How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
