I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
