the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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