Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
