I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
