we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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