you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
