I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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