I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize