i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
