I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize