There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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