Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
