My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
