why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize