I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize