One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
