one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize