If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
